I Have Buried the Body. Now what, Master?

The following is a conversation I had via text message with a friend who did not have my number and therefore did not know who I was. You know you chose a good friend when they can tell you how to bury a body without question. It's a bit long but it's totally worth reading.

Me: I have buried the body. Now what, Master?

D: Well done servant, next plant a tree over the body so no one will know it was there.

Me: An apple tree or an orange tree?

D: Google said that apple trees are better for covering up bodies, apparently it sucks more nutrients from the ground so the body will decompose faster.

Me: We have a problem Master. I lost the body. Apparently it wasn't as dead as I thought.

D: You have failed me. Execute order 3167a!

Me: Kidnapping the chipmunk? I thought we agreed he was useless?

D: Chipmunks have a great sense of smell, and their large fangs make them ferocious warriors. If you could gently convince him to track down the not so dead body that would be great. Thanks!

Me: He ate my hand! Your rabid beast of a chipmunk ate my hand!

D: You were supposed to look it in the eye and bow and then wait for it to bow back first! Didn't you pay attention in care of magical creatures?

Me: I thought that was for hippogriffs...

D: Hippogriffs and chipmunks share a common ancestor. Duh!

Me: Well the deed is done. The chipmunk has turned against me and will not complete the task assigned him.

D: Well, I guess rabbits will do.

Me: How is a rabbit supposed to help me catch a not dead dead person?!?!

D: Don't question my genius!

Me: Master? It didn't say anything about pretending you were a genius in the job description. You're gonna have to pay me more for that one.

D: And I didn't hire you so you could wallow in self denial about my epicness! I invoke paragraph 3 of item 209a of the contract, demanding you to self terminate.

Me: According to paragraph 456.9 line 2 of page 12 I have the right to deny self termination and hit you over the head with a log. I'm sending my associates over now.

D: I don't think you can have 9/10s of a paragraph. In any case it seems like you're over reacting so I'm going to have to put you in time out for the moment.

Me: You can't do that! I have rights!